This place...

I am in this place, yesterday and today...
yesterday just melancholy, physically feeling fine...
then last night...adding to the melancholy I am not feeling well, sniffling and head aching, tired.
So much to do. There are dirty laundry, dishes, floors...things to be done before the tree comes home on Wednesday. The school room organized so that after Thanksgiving there are no more excuses. No m0re skimming by on just the minimum...my kids deserve paper mache planet projects and paint and not just workbooks and flashcards.

I am just trying to get things done and missing the moment. Yesterday I tried really hard to get things marked off the list. Rushed kids out from under my feet. Spoke harshly and sent them to their rooms...called them back while I was crying...asking for forgiveness...they give it so easily. I tell them I make mistakes...I choose the things I do not want to choose. I need their forgiveness. I need God's forgiveness. But they still love me...God still loves me. GRACE! How sweet!

But it is all still here...even after I try to rest in bed this morning while baby sleeps in morning nap. Thinking if I feel better I will move faster later but also a little procrastination...still not feeling much better. All still needs to get done. Praying for wisdom...how do I incorporate these kids in the getting done somehow so that it is precious time together...joyful lessons learned, sweet moments of bonding together...while folding clothes, mopping floors, getting to the fun stuff of baking pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, pulling out Christmas tree lights and decorations.

Somehow I know it is possible...somehow I will surrender my will...To HIM walking with my children in LOVE not pushing them to help so we can move through the motions of a holiday but celebrate each moment...not just the "fun stuff." somehow I think we can celebrate the towel folding...the floor cleaning...the dish washing. But FIRST...I must celebrate these things...I must live by example. Being a mother is not about what I teach them; it is what I need to learn myself so I can train them in the way they should go. I have to go there first.

Will I ever get this stuff right? My melancholy temperament screams over and over in my head that I won't. I am trying to gently whisper back so one day I can say it more confidently. "I will give this moment to HIM...just this moment. I can't do anything about all the past moments...He has taken those away...He has flung them as far as the east is from west...WHY can't I? And in this moment I can not carry the weight of all those future moments that loom over with anxiety if I let them. He has a plan...I don't have to worry about those days either. Just take the next step...not the whole journey.
Why don't I consistently walk in the beauty of each new sunrise? Each new smile of each of my five amazing children....each hug...each pajama clad morning with all the things to do seen as moments to love...moments to let HIM shine...not just to be gotten done or checked off a list.

God help me today to have wisdom to see how to live this day...just this day as YOU desire...and not just mark an X off the calendar to get to some holiday...every day is a HOLY DAY!!!!
Lord, I am in this place...YOU set me here....let me praise YOU in it and through it.

trying to live thankful

Thankful for

• squinched nose smiles from my 14 month old baby girl
• the squeaky responses of "that better mommy" as desitin ointment is applied to my 2 year old son's tender places
• wet wipes
• 5 year old daughter telling me she has a secret to tell me and kissing me on the cheek when I bend down to ask what it is...that was it
• 7 year old son joyfully saying that collecting the dirty laundry and sorting it, is fun
• 9 year old daughter wanting to help make rice crispy treats for church youth dinner
• the spatula breaking because rice crispy treats are soooo gooey...they were good
• college girls who love us enough to show up and help us at youth dinner
• children who beg to go to church and cry when it is time to come home
• teen agers who are willing to play with my kids and love my kids
• teenagers who are willing to take time to get to know us better and let us know them
• finally in the quiet...staying up too late talking with my husband, my love...drawing us closer together...drawing us to God